my heart is still racing

You know how the news does that lead in from the last show about 10 minutes before they go on air? Well tonight's lead in was, "Find out which country has stopped 3000 adoptions in their tracks!" And my heart jolted. I said, "WHICH ONE?!" out loud. The next 12-15 minutes were not fun. I went onto the channel 9 website and looked for the story. It wasn't anywhere to be found. I searched "adoption" on their page. Nothing. So then I went to the IAN site and clicked on the Ethiopia page-- my heart sank. The photos that are usually scrolling there weren't there. Or maybe they just didn't load. But it gave me doubt. I started to really panic about the what ifs... the news started and I was still looking for something online. Every story I became more anxious to hear. On a lead out they flashed babies in a crib and they had dark skin. I said, "noooo" out loud. I realized that I was having a visceral reaction. A mother's reaction. My heart was pounding by the time the story came on and still I was yelling now, "WHICH COUNTRY?!" .................................Guatemala. I just realized how real this is for me now. I am not even referred. But the thought of not having a child this year... wow. Powerful. I am committed to this baby, heart and soul. And I FEEL for those people whose dreams were just crushed.

Stupid news.