my heart is still racing

You know how the news does that lead in from the last show about 10 minutes before they go on air? Well tonight's lead in was, "Find out which country has stopped 3000 adoptions in their tracks!" And my heart jolted. I said, "WHICH ONE?!" out loud. The next 12-15 minutes were not fun. I went onto the channel 9 website and looked for the story. It wasn't anywhere to be found. I searched "adoption" on their page. Nothing. So then I went to the IAN site and clicked on the Ethiopia page-- my heart sank. The photos that are usually scrolling there weren't there. Or maybe they just didn't load. But it gave me doubt. I started to really panic about the what ifs... the news started and I was still looking for something online. Every story I became more anxious to hear. On a lead out they flashed babies in a crib and they had dark skin. I said, "noooo" out loud. I realized that I was having a visceral reaction. A mother's reaction. My heart was pounding by the time the story came on and still I was yelling now, "WHICH COUNTRY?!" .................................Guatemala. I just realized how real this is for me now. I am not even referred. But the thought of not having a child this year... wow. Powerful. I am committed to this baby, heart and soul. And I FEEL for those people whose dreams were just crushed.

Stupid news.

scary things

I spent the morning reading all sorts of things online about adoption. From a NY Times article "Surge in Adoptions Raises Concern in Ethiopia" to a blog about transracial adoption http://transracial.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/the-popularity-of-ethiopia-adoption to several short stories/articles about post-adoption depression -- http://www.melissafaygreene.com/pages/adoption.html. Long stories about those 10% of adoptive families where it is not the glorious love-at-first-site wonderful sun-shining moment when they meet, or bring home their new child. The painful struggles they had for months and sometimes years with an adopted child. It put me in a daze of information. I took a nap this afternoon and dreamed about all the horror stories that I had read. I know that what ever life gives me I will take on with courage and positivity. I have extremely high hopes but I am not naive about the possibilities. It's that risk we all take in life. With internet resources it can all be overwhelming at times. I guess that's what today was... overwhelmed day.

I still feel 100% sure about all this. Tonight I got an email from my SW and she said my homestudy is DONE and will give it to IAN Thursday. Yea! So I need to wrap up the two things I still need for my dossier, and then I can move onto the waiting stage. :)

Oh, and I made Lemon Blueberry Muffins tonight with sweet potato puree. They were excellent. The Chocolate chip cookies with chickpeas-- also, amazing. I'm loving my new cookbook/way to cook.

Good food

I think I am in the "nesting" phase as Emily's post suggested a while back. I saw this cookbook on Oprah-- Deceptively Delicious by Jennifer Seinfeld (Jerry's wife) who has used vegetable purees in most of her cooking to insure her kids are eating their veggies. Well, I got it, a rice cooker, a food processor and then a TON of fresh veggies from the store. So far I have baked banana bread (for the first time), a beef stew (with broccoli puree) that I simmered for 4 hours, and chocolate chip cookies (with chickpeas). And I have to say I am an amazing cook! ;) I also steamed and pureed a ton of veggies including cauliflower, spinach, sweet potato, broccoli, and beets. They are all in little premeasured baggies ready for my next recipe. I think I'll make the chocolate cake with beets soon. Or the lemon blueberry muffins. I am just a baking/cooking/pureeing queen. I got very excited to make my own baby food too! :) Yea!!

http://www.deceptivelydelicious.com/site/index.php

Finished with my Home Study

Today was my final meeting with my social worker for my home study. It was also a deadline to turn in money--lots of it. Tomorrow I have my doctor's appointment (where I will get my proof of insurance/medical clearance) and then I need to go to the Police to get my criminal clearance and then...I'll BE DONE with the paperwork. There are still a couple of things I am waiting for in the mail. Then I'll have to go get it certified by the state. But I can't believe how close I am to submitting everything to the Ethiopian government and on my way to a referral! ;) I got excited again today doing the "home inspection" with my SW because I got to explain which room is the baby's room and what I'll be doing with it. Hee hee...

I'm on the way! Whoo hoo!

Shhh... I'm reading...

Currently in the midst of three different books. One is on Social Attachment issues, one is a memoir that Emily B gave me about an American boy who grew up in Ethiopia, and the other is "You're Chocolate, I'm Vanilla"-- which was suggested by my social worker about raising a child in a mixed race family. I can't decide which to read first, so I'm reading all of them a little at a time. That and trying to pull my dossier requirements together. I have to go to the Denver Police Department soon and have them write a letter that states I'm not a criminal and notarize it! Even though my fingerprints have been sent to the FBI and the CBI. I guess they can't tell if I have/have not been arrested by that?? Ok, I'm taking a break and taking two nieces and my nephew to the Aquarium! Yea! :)

Refrigeration

This morning my new refrigerator was delivered! :) I have needed a new frig for 10 years! Finally. And my dishwasher. However, I will have to have the kitchen remodeled before I can actually USE the dishwasher! But it is here.

Last night I met with a mother of two Ethiopian boys and three biological kids too! We talked for a couple of hours and it was so great to discuss all that is happening and all the questions that bounce around my mind with someone who has been through this whole process. It filled me with so much information that I am still processing everything we discussed. I think I actually replayed the entire conversation in my dreams last night. I woke up several times in the night and I was still listening and asking questions.

I also received two of the books I ordered in the mail yesterday and I started reading them. Again the questions I've been thinking about are also echoed in the books I am reading. It is so excited and scary and wonderful and worrisome. So many feelings are going through me.

Still in the process of securing my loan. Yea! :)

Money, money, money....

My second interview is over! :) One more and my homestudy will be complete. I just got my Dossier checklist from my agency in the mail today too. I don't understand why notarized isn't enough, but for EVERY document I have they have to be CERTIFIED by the state they originated in. Hmmm... that stinks! Now I have to collect the following: an adoption petition (a letter saying I want to adopt), an original birth certificate, an original divorce decree, a criminal clearance report from my local police, an employment verification letter from DPS, a notarized/certified letter from my doctor saying I'm in good enough health to raise a child, a letter from my bank, copies of the last 3 years of my tax returns, proof of medical insurance, proof of medical insurance for my adopted child, three notarized letters of reference, three notarized letters of power of attorney, and 8 passport photos of me. All of the above have to be certified and notarized. Certified means that I have to take the notarized document to the secretary of state (to the state that it was notarized in) and they have to certify the document? Wha?? Yes. What a pain in the buttocks! Ugh.

But my interview was fun. We talked a lot about my childhood and who I am. Easy. We will do the "home inspection" next time. I am getting a new refrigerator tomorrow. So the home inspection will give me motivation to clean and organize the "junk room." One week... can I do it?

I also looked at new kitchen cabinets today. Some are very very pretty. And very very expensive. On one hand, if I'm spending all the money to redo the kitchen I should use good materials. On the other, I'm spending all my money on redoing the kitchen and don't have much extra for the materials. It's an odd place to be!

I'm still working on securing my loan. I have two possible places. It's hard to guesstimate how much I'll need for the remodel, adoption, and travel to Ethiopia. Hmmm...

Things are happening

I am so excited as I have been wanting to renovate my kitchen since I moved into my little house. And the expected child is just my motivation because I currently don't have a dishwasher. And EVERYONE knows you have to have a dishwasher with a child! ; ) Ok, so everyone who has a child doesn't have a dishwasher, but it is all the motivation I needed! Yesterday I finally met with a contractor to go over my renovation. I'm knocking out a wall and moving some things around. Then my mom and dad and I went to Sears (Factory Outlet) and I bought a new refrigerator (something I've needed for 10 years) and a DISHWASHER!!! They will be delivered on Friday. I have nowhere to put a dishwasher now, so it will be a wonderful center piece in my living room for a couple of weeks. Today I need to finalize a loan and go look for cabinets! Totally exciting! Yea!

Questions being asked...

One of my grad school friends was excited about my adoption and asked several questions about the process. I guess I should detail what I know here in case others are wondering.

1) Why Ethiopia? I spoke in a little detail about this below. I was inspired by the Barr family and their two boys from Ethiopia. I met the boys right when I was beginning to research adoption. People ask why not from the US-- but as a single parent it is very difficult to get an infant. Most agencies ask you to adopt sibling groups of kids to get a younger child. I just am not in a place to do that. I looked at Guatemala and Russia a lot. China has changed their rules and will not let single women adopt right now. I found a website http://www.whfc.org/adoption/ethiopia/default.htm that has photo albums of their orphanage, the workers, and their children waiting. I fell in love with their faces, their eyes, the beauty of all the photos--from the smiles of the caregivers, to the countryside. That's pretty much all I needed. And the cost was a factor-- I found places that would cost upwards of $50,000. I finally found IAN and Ethiopia and my total cost will be somewhere between $15,000 and $20,000. It will be my best loan of all time!

2) What/when/how? I have just started the process which begins with a Homestudy. This means a social worker is assigned to my case and over three or four interviews will ask me all sorts of questions about being a parent and then recommend that I am a good candidate (or not) to the state, Ethiopia, and the agency. Once I complete the homestudy process in Colorado my Dossier (a big word for a bunch of documents --like my birth certificate, proof of insurance, proof of employment, letters of reference) will be sent to Ethiopia and then they will work on placing a child with me. They will then send photos and information about a child to me. Then my case will go to court in Ethiopia and I will be notified that I should come to Ethiopia. When I get to Ethiopia my child will legally be mine (adopted in Ethiopia) before I even see him. Then I have to do more legal work (not sure about this part yet) and stay in Ethiopia for about a week and then return with my baby! :) There is a possibility of trying to visit my child's birth village/city. And even possibly meeting some of his/her birth family. This is all up in the air until referral and I know more about the child.

3) Boy vs. Girl. My social worker actually put on my paperwork that I strongly prefer a boy, but will be open to a girl-- just in case I fall in love with a girl. If the paperwork says that I am only approved for a boy, it could cause lots of problems. I have four beautiful nieces and one nephew. I think it's time for more maleness in family gatherings! :) I just feel good about being a single mom with a son. There is a bond there that I can't define... But in two or four more years I will probably do this all again and get a baby girl then! :)

I've got my reading list for a while

Today I ordered several books from an Amharic phrase book so I can start learning some words that my baby will know, to Ethiopian history/travel books, to books about adoption, mixed race families, and social attachment issues. I am very excited for the books to come! If anyone out there in blog land knows of great books on adoption to read, please post a comment and let me know. :)

Since it is the weekend and holiday I'm on hold waiting for my IAN rep to get back to me about specifics in paperwork I am needing to fill out.

I can't help my mind drifting to constantly thinking about the child that will become mine. He is probably being born this month. I am trying to understand his life now and why he will become an orphan. The circumstances that surround his eventual need for me in his life will shape him forever and I will have to try to help him understand the world and his life before me. I read a little about creating a lifebook for him. I am still investigating that idea. I think if I can educate myself about Ethiopian culture and issues that surround adopted kids I will be best prepared to help guide him and help give him answers to his questions as he grows up.

I am planning on recording the sounds in the orphanage when I am there. And asking his caregivers to sing any of the songs they may sing in the orphanage to me (and my laptop). I know that for a baby/toddler with all of the things in life drastically changing if I can provide one sense-- the sense of sound-- that can be familiar it might help keep a calming influence once we leave. And I will also take photos of his surroundings and caregivers and then put them on the wall around his crib. Ah, well. These are the thoughts that keep me up at night...

First Home Study Visit

Well, I have been gone to Lincoln, Nebraska for a week of THESPIAN things. I took 40 kids to the International Thespian Convention-- whoo hoo. It was fun but I was ready to be back home. I told a couple of my students that I had begun the process and one actually cried she was so happy for me. My seniors have been watching me for 2 years try to get pregnant and they know how much having a child means to me. They were very very excited and I already have my first 20 babysitters lined up! :)

Tuesday I spent the day rearranging furniture. My grandmother died in November and my dad just went back to clean out her house. They brought me a chest of drawers and a vanity. I also got a new TV. I have determined that the bedroom I currently use as my "TV room" will become the baby's room. So I had to rearrange three rooms of things. I worked all day into the night to make it happen. My parents also gave me a crib that was my brother's son's. It is exciting. It is standing against the wall in the room. That means this is finally becoming REAL!!! Although I haven't put it together because I don't want to jinx it yet! ;)

Susie, my social worker, came over at 2:30PM. I handed her all the paperwork I have been collecting. The only thing I have left is my medical letter and my proof of employment letter. I already tried to get that but they called me Mr. Hann and they didn't notarize it. But once I do those two things I can start building my Dossier. I'm making copies of everything too so I think that will be easier once it starts. I was nervous I realized as the meeting started. Wondering are there things that people have said in the past that made the social worker deny adoption. But Susie was great and put me at ease. I am very excited to start. She also told me that someone brought home a 5 month old girl! That is so great. I'm thinking mine will be 7-9mons old. She asked questions like would I be open to a girl or siblings. We put on the paper work that I strongly desired a boy, but would be open to a girl. Just in case I fall in love with a girl! My mind is pretty set on a boy right now though.

I've set my next two appointments with Susie over the next two weeks. We will be done with our meetings by July 17. Then she goes to Disneyland and I go to Scotland with my students. When I get back, school starts and most of my paperwork will be complete. I am looking into starting my classes ASAP. This is so exciting!