my heart is still racing

You know how the news does that lead in from the last show about 10 minutes before they go on air? Well tonight's lead in was, "Find out which country has stopped 3000 adoptions in their tracks!" And my heart jolted. I said, "WHICH ONE?!" out loud. The next 12-15 minutes were not fun. I went onto the channel 9 website and looked for the story. It wasn't anywhere to be found. I searched "adoption" on their page. Nothing. So then I went to the IAN site and clicked on the Ethiopia page-- my heart sank. The photos that are usually scrolling there weren't there. Or maybe they just didn't load. But it gave me doubt. I started to really panic about the what ifs... the news started and I was still looking for something online. Every story I became more anxious to hear. On a lead out they flashed babies in a crib and they had dark skin. I said, "noooo" out loud. I realized that I was having a visceral reaction. A mother's reaction. My heart was pounding by the time the story came on and still I was yelling now, "WHICH COUNTRY?!" .................................Guatemala. I just realized how real this is for me now. I am not even referred. But the thought of not having a child this year... wow. Powerful. I am committed to this baby, heart and soul. And I FEEL for those people whose dreams were just crushed.

Stupid news.

scary things

I spent the morning reading all sorts of things online about adoption. From a NY Times article "Surge in Adoptions Raises Concern in Ethiopia" to a blog about transracial adoption http://transracial.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/the-popularity-of-ethiopia-adoption to several short stories/articles about post-adoption depression -- http://www.melissafaygreene.com/pages/adoption.html. Long stories about those 10% of adoptive families where it is not the glorious love-at-first-site wonderful sun-shining moment when they meet, or bring home their new child. The painful struggles they had for months and sometimes years with an adopted child. It put me in a daze of information. I took a nap this afternoon and dreamed about all the horror stories that I had read. I know that what ever life gives me I will take on with courage and positivity. I have extremely high hopes but I am not naive about the possibilities. It's that risk we all take in life. With internet resources it can all be overwhelming at times. I guess that's what today was... overwhelmed day.

I still feel 100% sure about all this. Tonight I got an email from my SW and she said my homestudy is DONE and will give it to IAN Thursday. Yea! So I need to wrap up the two things I still need for my dossier, and then I can move onto the waiting stage. :)

Oh, and I made Lemon Blueberry Muffins tonight with sweet potato puree. They were excellent. The Chocolate chip cookies with chickpeas-- also, amazing. I'm loving my new cookbook/way to cook.

Good food

I think I am in the "nesting" phase as Emily's post suggested a while back. I saw this cookbook on Oprah-- Deceptively Delicious by Jennifer Seinfeld (Jerry's wife) who has used vegetable purees in most of her cooking to insure her kids are eating their veggies. Well, I got it, a rice cooker, a food processor and then a TON of fresh veggies from the store. So far I have baked banana bread (for the first time), a beef stew (with broccoli puree) that I simmered for 4 hours, and chocolate chip cookies (with chickpeas). And I have to say I am an amazing cook! ;) I also steamed and pureed a ton of veggies including cauliflower, spinach, sweet potato, broccoli, and beets. They are all in little premeasured baggies ready for my next recipe. I think I'll make the chocolate cake with beets soon. Or the lemon blueberry muffins. I am just a baking/cooking/pureeing queen. I got very excited to make my own baby food too! :) Yea!!

http://www.deceptivelydelicious.com/site/index.php

Finished with my Home Study

Today was my final meeting with my social worker for my home study. It was also a deadline to turn in money--lots of it. Tomorrow I have my doctor's appointment (where I will get my proof of insurance/medical clearance) and then I need to go to the Police to get my criminal clearance and then...I'll BE DONE with the paperwork. There are still a couple of things I am waiting for in the mail. Then I'll have to go get it certified by the state. But I can't believe how close I am to submitting everything to the Ethiopian government and on my way to a referral! ;) I got excited again today doing the "home inspection" with my SW because I got to explain which room is the baby's room and what I'll be doing with it. Hee hee...

I'm on the way! Whoo hoo!

Shhh... I'm reading...

Currently in the midst of three different books. One is on Social Attachment issues, one is a memoir that Emily B gave me about an American boy who grew up in Ethiopia, and the other is "You're Chocolate, I'm Vanilla"-- which was suggested by my social worker about raising a child in a mixed race family. I can't decide which to read first, so I'm reading all of them a little at a time. That and trying to pull my dossier requirements together. I have to go to the Denver Police Department soon and have them write a letter that states I'm not a criminal and notarize it! Even though my fingerprints have been sent to the FBI and the CBI. I guess they can't tell if I have/have not been arrested by that?? Ok, I'm taking a break and taking two nieces and my nephew to the Aquarium! Yea! :)

Refrigeration

This morning my new refrigerator was delivered! :) I have needed a new frig for 10 years! Finally. And my dishwasher. However, I will have to have the kitchen remodeled before I can actually USE the dishwasher! But it is here.

Last night I met with a mother of two Ethiopian boys and three biological kids too! We talked for a couple of hours and it was so great to discuss all that is happening and all the questions that bounce around my mind with someone who has been through this whole process. It filled me with so much information that I am still processing everything we discussed. I think I actually replayed the entire conversation in my dreams last night. I woke up several times in the night and I was still listening and asking questions.

I also received two of the books I ordered in the mail yesterday and I started reading them. Again the questions I've been thinking about are also echoed in the books I am reading. It is so excited and scary and wonderful and worrisome. So many feelings are going through me.

Still in the process of securing my loan. Yea! :)

Money, money, money....

My second interview is over! :) One more and my homestudy will be complete. I just got my Dossier checklist from my agency in the mail today too. I don't understand why notarized isn't enough, but for EVERY document I have they have to be CERTIFIED by the state they originated in. Hmmm... that stinks! Now I have to collect the following: an adoption petition (a letter saying I want to adopt), an original birth certificate, an original divorce decree, a criminal clearance report from my local police, an employment verification letter from DPS, a notarized/certified letter from my doctor saying I'm in good enough health to raise a child, a letter from my bank, copies of the last 3 years of my tax returns, proof of medical insurance, proof of medical insurance for my adopted child, three notarized letters of reference, three notarized letters of power of attorney, and 8 passport photos of me. All of the above have to be certified and notarized. Certified means that I have to take the notarized document to the secretary of state (to the state that it was notarized in) and they have to certify the document? Wha?? Yes. What a pain in the buttocks! Ugh.

But my interview was fun. We talked a lot about my childhood and who I am. Easy. We will do the "home inspection" next time. I am getting a new refrigerator tomorrow. So the home inspection will give me motivation to clean and organize the "junk room." One week... can I do it?

I also looked at new kitchen cabinets today. Some are very very pretty. And very very expensive. On one hand, if I'm spending all the money to redo the kitchen I should use good materials. On the other, I'm spending all my money on redoing the kitchen and don't have much extra for the materials. It's an odd place to be!

I'm still working on securing my loan. I have two possible places. It's hard to guesstimate how much I'll need for the remodel, adoption, and travel to Ethiopia. Hmmm...